Excuse Me, But When Did That All Happen?

I have trouble organizing my life right now, so please excuse the short ransom posts and be prepared for a lot more of that sort to come. I just can't sit down a write a real long blog entry right now.

But let me tell you this... I think it was yesterday on my way home that I suddenly had these thoughts (again) about how happy and how incredibly lucky I am. I wrote about that before (but am too lazy too find and link the entry), about realizing that my life has been always going right.

Lately I was thinking about it again. I guess it's a little bit because of the wedding. Another big thing in my life that just went smoothly and made me all happy. And here I am, married to a wonderful sweet man at 24, living in our lovely apartment and having a job I actually really like. I wonder what will come next. Because I know that somehow I had a thing to say with all the good things that happened to me it also feels like it all was just handed to me to enjoy and I wonder if it comes so easy for everybody.
I guess not.

And then I remember these lyrics...

Some folks' lives roll easy as a breeze
Drifting through a summer night
Heading for a sunny day

Geek Much?

Am I the only one who immediately calls her parents if there's a question on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' that either mom or dad could (or most likely WILL) answer?

Because that's what I do. Always.

And might I just add that I therefore know for sure that both my mother and my father would make excellent telephone jokers would I ever need them. It's kind of comforting, too, in a strange geeky way.

Unconscious Mutterings - Pretty Close To My Life

1. Detachment - Attachment
   
2. Regard - Ending a letter, with one more 's' to go.
   
3. Community - Society and the difference (hey, I did have courses in Sociology at my university).
   
4. Strike three - It's either some strange term unknown to me or the middle of the afternoon.
   
5. Congregation - Lots of people.
   
6. Generous - Me, sometimes. My mom, always.
   
7. Pretention - False.
   
8. Pregnant - Not.
   
9. Drinking - Milk. Really.
   
10. Brilliance - Glimmering.
    

Again, you can take part and have a lot of fun... just click here.

Things That Strike As Odd

Why we have three different packs of dental floss in the bathroom is a complete mystery to me.

Especially since I didn't buy a single one of them.

Wise According To My Teeth

My fourth wisdom tooth is coming out. I'll soon have all the wisdom I can probably have in my mouth.

It also means that I currently can hoard food in the weirdest places and that's probably more you wanted to know about that matter. Believe me, it is.

I haven't had any of the other three wisdom tooth pulled out, mostly because of my strange fear of dentists. The blessing of having such good teeth as I do and therefore never have to go to the dentist somehow made me incredibly afraid of the day I will finally have to. The horror stories my mom tells about her dental-experiences don't exactly help. (Neither does the story of my birth.)

I just figured that if I wait long enough they won't have a reason to pull my wisdom teeth out and then I can just live them and all the wisdom they provide.
Boy, am I gonna be wise...

Self-Absorbed Girls While Reading

I'm currently reading Jane Austen's Emma and I am wondering:

Has anybody else read this book and continually had this one thought in mind? The thought being: "Damn girl, just shut your mouth for one friggin' minute, would you? And while you're at it... Get. Over. Yourself."

It's the third Austen book I have read so far, the other ones being 'Sense and Sensibility' and 'Pride and Prejudice', but never have I found one of the main characters as nerve-racking as Emma. Jeez.

(It's still a very good book, by the way.)

My New Teaquipment (And What I Plan To Do With It)

I'm back into tea-drinking mode. Work made me do so. Since they only have nasty coffee there and I can't afford to buy soft drinks every day tea seems like the best way to quench my thirst.

I just came back with a fine selection of Ayurvedic herbal tea from this shop (sorry it's only in German, but feel free to click around) and now I have tea for most any situation and/or mood I can possibly be in.

Which is...

Courage
Snuggle (yeah, I know)
Power/Strength
Passion
Soul
Knowledge
Mood (I'm guessing good mood)
Friendship
Patience

I also got a sample called "For Happiness", but it's just herbal and not so much Ayurvedic.

Now I have to decide which of those to take to work and which to leave at home. I'm guessing Snuggle won't go to work and I'm not sure what to do with Passion. Patience has to go to work as does Strength and Knowledge (but most of all Patience).

Let's hope I at least like all these different kinds of herbal... sorry Avurvedic herbal tea. If I don't I just spent 10 Euro for naught - which immediately makes me the best candidate for Mood (and maybe Snuggle).

Another question is... do you sweeten Ayuverdic herbal tea? Because I usually do so with my common (meaning non-Ayurvedic) tea. I'm a good girl and use honey to sweeten the tea, but at the moment I have none at work because the last one I bought for this purpose I believe to be poisoned.

But that's a different story...

The Art of Excusing Myself

Today I had an allergy testing. Turns out I'm allergic to nearly everything on earth only I just have this occasional strange cough. Turns also out that allergy testing means the doctor's wife fumbling around with a strange piece of metal attached to a wood handle in front of my face while holding little glass thingies (also in front of my face). If the metal swings from top to bottom it means I'm allergic if it swings from front to back it means I'm not.
Yeah.
Has anyone any experience with that? Because it felt weird that a piece of metal swinging in front of me should actually tell what I am allergic to or not. I'm not really questioning the doctor, I'm just wondering.

Anyway, I was late. It was only a couple of minutes, but because my appointment was so late already I decided to call from the bus and tell them. That made me wonder: when do I tell somebody why I am late and when do I not.
In that case I did, I told them I missed the bus. Which was not the full truth, but close enough. (The full truth was that my morning train came ten minutes late, which made me about 15 minutes late for work, which made me leave ten minutes later than I would usually have, which in the end made me miss the bus.)

I think it depends on who I am talking with, what I am excusing myself from and what the reasons are. Sometimes a person doesn't need to know why I am late or won't come at all. Sometimes it's fair you tell them.
There's no real pattern behind it, just a feeling and experience. And sometimes it all depends on what mood I am in.

But there's one thing more, something I just recently started (as you may call it). It's me not making false excuses anymore. It started about half a year ago when I was planning my birthday party and told the husband (back-then-boyfriend) to call a friend first of all others to ask her if and when she could come. She lives in Darmstadt which is about a two-hour train ride from where we live, so chances were she wouldn't come at all.
And she didn't. She told the husband that her past weeks had been so busy she needed a weekend all for herself. I was not in the least bit hurt or anything like that. I could totally understand. I was a little bit sad because I would have loved to see her, but I couldn't blame her for not coming.

That's when I realized. I can totally not come to a party or whatever I'm invited to and I can just say that I am too stressed to come. I don't need to make up false excuses or cancel shortly so as to make it look like I planned to come all along. I can call people and tell me that I had a lot of stress and don't know if I can make it and wouldn't actually bet on it and if it's okay I might just decide spontaneously. If they are sensible enough they will understand and if they're not I shouldn't make it their problem.

It's just that if I don't feel like going out, I don't need to. It's either really important to me or it's not. And I have stopped looking for other excuses than 'Sorry, I just had a really busy week and I might just like to spend Saturday evening at home.'

Because I realized it's perfectly okay to excuse myself without excusing myself.


PS: The photographer who took out wedding pictures was here. I finally have pictures. So be prepared for something of that in the next days.

Weekaversary

It happened a minute ago.

Me: I think we did something really big last Monday.
Him: And didn't realize it.
Me: No, didn't realize it at all.

Then we laughed. Yes, I think the actual enormity of what we did last week might just get to us in tiny bits. But I think that might be just fine.

Unconscious Mutterings - A Great Mix

1. Great escape - A movie I never saw.
   
2. Cluster - Patterns
   
3. Wrong place, wrong time - Dr. John
   
4. Guided - Hiking. Although I never went.
   
5. Forensics - Brushes
   
6. Pros - And unfortunately some cons. Or amateurs (unfortunately as well).
   
7. Safety deposit box - If only I would need one.
   
8. Quadrant - Four.
   
9. Precisely - Get to the point.
   
10. Who are you? - Me. Most of the time.
    

Again, you can take part and have a lot of fun... just click here.

When My Musical Taste Scares Me

How weird is it that I totally want to get Emma Bunton's (yes, Emma Bunton is Baby Spice, very much yes indeed) latest CD?
With totally I mean that I was close to buying it yesterday and really close to ordering it from amazon today and I am just now listening to 'Maybe'.

It's just that I am a total sucker for Easy Listening, preferably the 60s-like kind and the samples I listened to were so much my taste that I just know that within this week my order will be sent out. I know myself too good to doubt that by the end of the week that CD will be spinning over and over in our kitchen CD-player.

On the other side it shows just how open-minded I am when it comes to music. So, trust me on that. Or wait a few days until I can tell you exactly how much I like this record.

Note To Myself

Hi Jamie!

Please remember: Never eat something red when you're wearing something white.
I thought you'd know that by now.

Jamie.

PS: Never. Hear me?

A Day Spent

Yesterday I ate Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café.
And no, I'm not kidding.

That's also where I gave my just-become-husband this. Because it's one of the sweetest books ever.

We spent the whole day in Cologne and came home with a lot of new things. The best being a new DVD-player, which we really needed.

So, today I'm one hell of a lazy girl and don't plan to do much despite maybe letting my husband (it still sounds so strange) convince me to take a nice walk outside. But I fear it's going to need some convincing to get me off the couch and out.

And just to prove to you that I am indeed a very lazy girl today I will write no more and just let you wonder amazed at the fact that I really ate Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café.

Yummy.

How Did That Happen??? (Music In My Kitchen II)

Somehow my current kitchen CD collection (i.e. the CDs spread around on our kitchen table so I can hear them while cleaning the dishes) contains not a single english* record. This is also incredibly weird as I would guess 95% of my CDs are english.

So what do I have there? I feel the need to tell you because it shows that I'm oh-so-interested and also because all three CDs are so great I would like you to know they actually do exist.

First I have Ritsuko Okazaki's 'Song for...'. I bought it because she sang both the intro and outro theme songs for the anime series 'Fruits Basket' and I love the songs on this CD. I also like Japanese a lot. What amazes me about the language is that it is so soft when sung.

Then I have Coralie Clément's 'Bye Bye Beauté' which is also a great CD. Her first album was very French with her singing sweetly to bossa rhythms. This one is a lot more pop and rock which is a little strange at first combined with her voice but works really fine for me. Try it, please.

Then, and this may be the strangest thing, there's 'Von hier an blind' by 'Wir sind Helden'. I'm usually very sceptical when it comes to German music. Maybe the bad thing is indeed that I actually have no choice but understand the lyrics and that can ruin a lot of songs for me. But I love this CD. And especially those of you who are interested in German music (and I think there are at least two or three of you) should really check them out. If you have trouble getting hold of their music ask me. I might be able to slip you a CD. Somehow.

*By 'english' I mean that the artists sings in english. It's not a geographical thing at all. I'm only talking about the language.

Oh, Stop It , Please!

Dear little old lady who was in line behind me yesterday,

Pushing your cart right into my hips does NOT make me pay and pack my things faster. Because I refuse to give in to anybody who thinks that pushing his (or her, for that matter) cart into another person's hip will do any good.
In fact, it made me angry. You might not have noticed that I had to pay with my card, which also means that I have to sign. There was a reason I didn't go straight to packing my things. I had to sigh that damn bill first. And I needed that little plastic table thing to do that. You know that one I could hardly reach because you kept pushing your goddamn cart into my still young hips.
You might or might not have noticed that whatever you were trying to make me do, it did not happen. Because I won't have myself controlled by little old ladies who push their cart into other nice people's hips. It actually even hurts. Yes.

So, please stop it. Nothing good will ever - I repeat: EVER - come out of it. Nothing but people shaking their heads in disbelief at what you were trying to accomplish. Like I did.

In a very generous and nearly forgiving mood,
the girl with the bruise on her hip.

Aftermath

I'm so excited. Michele sent her readers to my (of all) sites today, so I feel like I am super-special and hence shoudl write a super-special blog entry.
Only I'm still recovering from last Monday and my brain feels pretty empty.

It's strange getting used to a new name. I've lived with the old one for 24 years and although I never really liked it's very strange to see my new name and think 'Well that'll be my name from now on.' Half of the time I answer the phone with my old name and sometimes I just say 'Hello' because answering with my new name sounds strange and using the old one sounds like I already regret my decision to get rid of it.

Now that's one thing.

The other thing is referring to the person who has been your boyfriend for the last five years as 'my husband'. Now, how totally weird is that? I can't say neither one nor the other without feeling funny about it. I should only talk to people who know his name, because then I can avoid both terms.

Now, here's the question for all you already-weds... Was it the same for you? Does it always feel so strange a few days after your wedding just getting used to words or names? And if so, how long does it take until it wears off and you get used to it?

And here's another question for you all... We might go on a late honeymoon in September (or October)? Do you have any suggestions where we should go? Remember that we live in Germany, although that might not matter after all... I just read an article about Scilly Islands some weeks ago, but I don't know if that's an option. Although I want to go there somewhen, because it looks beautiful. And it's not even that far from here.

So thanks again, Michele, for choosing me (of all people) for your comment game. And thanks to all of you for coming and leaving a comment. I will try to answer them all, but it might take this newlywed some time.

Nobody Told Me

Really, nobody told me that getting married is so exhausting. I need to go bed now, but I wanted to show at least some nice pictures. But don't get too excited, it's just some of the flowers I got. But they're so lovely I had to share them with you. If there would be a smell-recording device I'd offer you to smell my roses, but unfortunately there's not - or again: nobody told me.

Now, that's my wedding bouquet - which you might have guessed... I didn't throw it. I'm a selfish only child. I like to keep everything I get. Mine.


And that's the flowers my aunt gave me. Beuatiful, aren't they. Oh, I love to get flowers. I don't buy them, because they're too expensive and up to now I never had vases anyway (we'll see if my mom wants those back), but I really love to get flowers.


I'm still waiting for the real photos to find their way to me to see. But I haven't seen any of them yet. We really looked good though. Promise.

Down Memory Lane: The End of Something

Update: I moved this entry to the top of the page again because it would have been my grandmother's 90th birthday on 11/4 which is not coincidentally at all my wedding day. New entries are below.


When I got off the train and I saw both my parents waiting for me at the platform, I knew something was wrong.

When I was a kid we lived in my grandparents house. It was the house my mom had lived in for all her life. She was raised there as the youngest of nine children and when she got pregnant at the age of 19 and all her siblings had already moved out my father moved in and we had the first floor (that would be second floor for all you Americans) for ourselves.

This is why it seems to me that I was partly raised by my grandparents. They were around all the time and I could go downstairs and play games with my grandmother or have her read stories to me or look at the art books they had. When I was older it became some kind of a ritual that I would watch Columbo with them in the evening. I remember my grandfather sitting in his chair and my grandmother and me on the couch, my head sometimes in her lap.

We moved when I was thirteen. My parents had found a big house in the next town and decided to buy it and we moved there in spring 1994.

By that time my grandmother must already have been diagnosed with cancer.

I don't remember much about her cancer story. I didn't really feel involved. That's why I can't tell you when she first was diagnosed with cancer and what kind of cancer it was. I remember her going to the hospital more often and changing her hair from curls to straight.

After we moved I never came to see her at the hospital. I didn't refuse to go there, but I guess nobody asked me to.

She came to live with us on April 11th 1995. That was her 80th birthday. My parents had emptied out their bedroom and put her special hospital-kind bed in there. They would sleep in the dining room, which was next to the bedroom and for the time being was no longer a dining room anymore.

When I saw her for the first time in month I started to cry. I didn't realize how bad it was until I saw her. I remember my cousin holding me outside the house while all the others were inside already. After all, it was her 80th birthday.

Thinking back on how quickly things changed she was doing pretty good on her birthday. She had no severe pains and could talk and even walk around a little bit. She would stay with us until she died.
She would stay with us for eleven days.

My grandmother couldn't sleep because her skin hurt from all the lying. It got sore and I think she suffered from more than one kind of cancer, one of them skin cancer. She also saw things that weren't there and cried for one of us in the middle of the night. There was a doctor coming over several times to look after her but there was not much to be done.

One of my best friends was staying at our house during those days. It was Kathrin, whom I met in France when I was 9 and who still is a good friend. I will tell her story one time. She lived near Münster, which is about a two-hour trip by train from here. I was going to go back with her and stay at her place for a couple of days.

When I came back after a few days it was already dark. When I got off the train and I saw both my parents waiting for me at the platform, I knew something was wrong. I walked towards them and hugged them and the first thing I asked was: 'What happened?'
My father immediately knew what I was talking about. There was no other way that both my parents could have been able to come and get me from the train station.

I came back the day my grandmother had died.

My mom told me the story of my grandmother's death several times, but I don't know if I can get it all together.

While I was away it got worse. The day she died they had a pastor coming over for the last rites. But my grandmother seemed to refuse to die. It was the story of her life. When she was born she ruined her brother's first communion. It was supposed to be his day and her baby-self got all the attraction. My mom told me that somehow she always felt guilty for that. It was my cousin's first communion's a few days after she died. My mom believes that she tried to stay alive so she would not ruin anyone's first communion again.

So my mom told her: 'It's okay. You can go now.'
And she did.

That night my parents slept in my room. When they were already asleep I got up and walked in the bedroom where my grandmother was still lying. I sat down beside her bed and just sat there for a long while. I don't remember if I cried or if I touched her. Funny how things that seem so important just slip off your mind.

I took her little flashlight, though, the one that she had on her nightstand as long as I can remember. It's a little light blue flashlight. I still have it and I never changed the batteries.

Countdown

In a little more than twelve hours my last name won't be my last name anymore. I admit that I already praticed my signature so it won't look crabby on the wedding certificate.

I can't imagine how tomorrow will be. Sorry for not posting a lot these past days but it's been really busy and I really don't know where I left my head.

I'll post you pictures and everything next week. I don't think I will be able to post anything tomorrow.

Wanna know what our invitation looked like? We send cardboard cards with the following image on front.

Here it is (I'm so in love with it.

Without Words (Nearly)

I think I should dedicate this to Caitlin and Cecilia. They know why (do you?).

Up And Away

I thought of something really funny and witty to write, but now that I'm at the computer I can't remember what it was.

So this entry is about the nothingness of gone ideas. How incredibly boring is that?

(And how incredibly sad is it that my computer at work is better than my computer at home?) Very say, I tell ya!)

(If the extremely funny and witty idea comes back I must remember to take notes. Damn, and I don't even own a notebook.)

The Others: Some Lifes Less Ordinary

Yes, I have flunked my Sunday's introduction several times. Go blame it on a new job, two colds and the coming close of a (actually my) wedding.

But since both of the following are so important to me I will make Wednesday a Sunday (or the other way round) and send you over right away to A Gag Reflex and 63 Days (or the other way round).

Since I'm pretty stressed out these last days I won't write too much. (Isn't just my recommendation reason enough to check out a blog? 'Cause I would think so.) Just so much:

In A Gag Reflex Cori tells the story of the memories of her wild mother and her present search for her real/biological father. It's very intriguing, creative and so beautifully written. Read her story and be amazed. As I was (and am).

63 Days is the story of Alli who as a teenager was sent away to a whatever-the-fuck-it-was-supposed-to-be program because her parents worried about her. The teenagers of the Challenger program were made to hike the wilderness to be better people. In Alli's words: I was 15 when I was kidnapped from my bed and taken to Challenger. 63 Days is the story-in-progress about my brutal experiences there, my subsequent escape and the aftermath.

Once again I would like to say how amazing it is to read the not-so-ordinary stories of (in the best sense) ordinary people. It makes you wonder if your story is after all extraordinary enough to put it out there. Maybe it is.

A Lame Excuse

Yesterday evening all of a sudden my internet broke down. I didn't have access to anything, not the web, not my email, nothing. Not my blog. Things like that piss me off, internet junkie as I am.

What's even worse is that we have this not-that-complicated-but-complicated-enough router connection that always takes months to set up because we always do it the trial and error way and I was afraid something was wrong with the router and we would have to go through all the trouble of setting it up again.

That worry was gone today around noon when the boyfriend told me that his internet connection worked, so obviously nothing was wrong with the router. That also meant that something was wrong with my computer. Turns out it was only the modem who somehow got loose from the PCI-slot and therefore I couldn't access the internet anymore. Fixed in less than five minutes.

But still, I hate when things like that happen. Especially at night when I don't have the nerve to fix these things anymore.

Now I'm online again. Ready to blog. Welcome me back.

Repercussions

As we all know going to IKEA is a two-hour-experience. Lunch included.

Not included is the six hours and more it takes to put together whatever you bought and arranging your rooms according to the new piece of furniture. Especially when this includes cleaning out all your bookshelves. Because then your living room will look like this all day long.



It's midnight right now and I'm exhausted. I will tell you more about the IKEA experience and its scary repercussions tomorrow. If I can get up.

Just so you know... we bought half of our bed. We will have a bed! Isn't that awfully good news. A bed. A real bed. I think it started with me wanting to buy new bedclothes and my mom telling me that nothing I liked would ever look as good lying basycally on the floor. So I knew we needed to buy a bed. So then I can buy beautiful bedclothes and be happy as a clam.

Wow, I'm so turning into a hosewife. Aside from the fact that I'm working 40 hours a week, I really am.

Saturday Pleasure

We're going to IKEA! Yay!

And of course I'll end up buying all that stuff I don't really need, but then I need it oh-so-much. Because in the end, that's what IKEA is all about.

Random Pop-Culture Related Thoughts

My books came today. More books for my nightstand make Jamie happy. I'm currently reading 'Born Confused' and am enjoying it. It's very different from most of the books I recently read, mostly because it's very fresh and modern, from the view of a seventeen-year-old girl in today's America.

I also finished Jane Eyre and want to say at least two things about it. First of all I loved that book. I was afraid that it would be kind of hard to read with somewhat tedious passages, but it never, never was. At all. It was a really very sweet and great and easy to read. (I guess the 'Vanity Fair' experience had an influence on me.) Secondly, yeah, it would have been great to have read it before 'The Eyre Affair', but it didn't matter too much. I was a little bit spoiled, but it was also fun to read a passage and remembering the same thing happening in that other book. Another reason, by the way, why I consider 'The Eyre Affair' an amazing book.

Some words on music now.

While reading Jane Eyre I suddenly remembered a CD I bought some time ago by a certain Kate St John. Whoever has read Jane Eyre might be able to guess why. Now, since you all know that I have a great taste in music, I advise you to go and check her out. I got Second Sight and one of my favorites is 'Where The Warm Winds Blows'. Please do.

Also, I realize that I need to get me some of Jonatha Brooke's music. Why don't I own a single one of her records? This woman has got a voice to break hearts. Mine for example. What the hell is wrong with me?

And here's a very special one for my friend Caitlin, who, reading one of her recommendations, I have been thinking a lot about lately: There's a version of Patty Griffin's 'Moses' by Melissa Ferrick on my all-time-favorite music blog Womenfolk. You (and yes, you too) should definitely download it.

Oh Stop It, Please

Does anybody here need April Fool's Day?

No? I thought so.

So can we just get rid of it and get on with our lifes?

He Is THAT Screwed Up

The boyfriend thinks that the first step to a succesful diet is going to McDonald's for a last time. I think not so much.

Then again he (and therefore me as well) has been living on fruit and salad for the last three days. But I swear I have never seen anyone buying fruit like that.
On averagy, how long does it take a normal person to buy, say... three apples. You would think something around a good minute. Yet he manages to contemplate before the fruit stand until my feet hurt.
Half an eternity for choosing apples? Again, I think not so much.

But then again, who am I to judge? I need half an eternity to eat a yoghurt. Still, the brown chocolate balls have to be gone before the white ones. I'm really glad my cousin Vera agrees on that.